Words of Wisdom to the Opening Day 25

With opening day looming, I’d like to take a moment to pass on a few bracing words to the 25 guys that are going to line up on the baseline April 1st.

Ryan Dempster- I love you, you wacky Canadian. Keep being you. Keep being good.

Carlos Zambrano- Keep channeling that crazy. Being “cured” is working out for you.

Matt Garza- I cannot unsee that you resemble a muppet, but if you don’t pitch like Grover, it won’t be foremost in my mind. Let’s hope Chicago treats you better than Arizona.

Randy Wells- I love that you came to spring training to work and that you mean business, but don’t forget to have a good time.

Andrew Cashner- I’m proud of you, kid. Have Demp teach you how to bunt and keep your walks down and you’ll be golden.

Carlos Marmol- I’m looking forward to another season of riding your 9th inning roller coaster.

Kerry Wood- Glad you’re home. Make yourself comfortable. Have fun with the babies.

Sean Marshall- You’re not the oldest guy in the bullpen this season. I’m sure you don’t mind. I hope you and your curveball have another excellent season.

John Grabow- It’s okay to be good. You’re not a Pirate anymore.

Jeff Samardzija- You look like a pirate, but that doesn’t mean you should be walking people like the first baseline is a plank. You have moments of excellence. Have more of those moments more often.

James Russell- As a Beard Twin, I hold you to higher standards. Pitch like I know you can and make your counterpoint in the cornfield proud.

Marcos Mateo- I knew you were destined for greatness when I saw you dressed as Cleopatra during rookie hazing. Keep working your stuff. So proud of you.

Carlos Pena- Make your swing as sweet as your dimples and no Cubs fan will resist you.

Darwin Barney- I’m so proud of you, Double Bubble. You rocked in spring training and your gum chewing skills have improved. Keep up the hard work.

Jeff Baker- Don’t fear the righties. Smile once in awhile.

Starlin Castro- Take your spring into summer, mind the errors, and wear smaller necklaces. I get nervous whenever you break out the heavy stuff. I’m afraid you’ll give yourself a concussion sliding into second.

Aramis Ramirez- I appreciate that you want to make up for a crap year last year. Stay healthy and you probably will. I’d tell you not to hit my three pet peeves, but I think we both know that won’t happen.

Blake DeWitt- You had a rough spring, but I know you can do better. You’ve got nowhere to go but up. Get there. I’ll get you a new flannel.

Kosuke Fukudome- Keep doing what you’re doing. You could smile more, too. Also, you may want to consider changing your theme music to “Walk This Way”.

Marlon Byrd- I don’t know what you say to Fukudome in the outfield, but keep doing it. He needs to smile more. Also, going full throttle for a season is great, but don’t forget to rest.

Alfonso Soriano- I’m glad you’re healthy. I’m glad you’re feeling good. Keep hustling and save a few of those golf swings for the course.

Tyler Colvin- Don’t try to hit homers ALL the time. Be flexible. Be great. Mind the bats.

Reed Johnson- I’m so happy you and your facial hair are with us. You’re older now, though, so be more selective about the walls you run into.

Geovany Soto- Stay healthy, work the OPS, and keep those eyebrows looking sharp.

Koyie Hill- I’ve got your back. Call a good game and keep the defense up. And if you’re going to hit like a pitcher, hit more like Zambrano and less like Ted Lilly.

And finally, to Mike Quade and the coaching staff…enjoy your season and enjoy your team. Be great.

Play ball!


About Kiki Writes

Tragically unhip writer, rerun junkie, baseball floozy, and fat girl belly dancing. Land of Lincoln Cleavage Queen three years running.
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